I read a very interesting post by Elle recently. It got me thinking. How exactly do Mister and I run this ship of kink?
Since reading Elle’s post, I’ve questioned whether what we do is too focused on the pain. I don’t know if I should be worried that it is such a factor in our playing. It’s not as if we use it every time we have sex. But when we have the defined roles of dominant and submissive, pain is mostly how we express that distinction. I have seen an increase with how often we use pain. In the past it was always paired in with pleasure.
We switch. Yes, true enough. Whilst Mister has a perhaps 65/35% majority over who is in control in the bedroom, when I take the reins, I drive him hard. But how do I do it? What do I do? Is it really healthy for us? Is this what Mister wants or is it just me? And possibly most importantly, is pain too much of a force behind what we do?
I think I’ll break this down into my submissive and dominant behaviours.
Submissive
I find I need him to take things in his hands – take me in his hands. I have spoken before, and many other times, about just what it is that I dig about being submissive. The contradictory state of being restricted in your choices and will and having the freedom of mind to leave everything to your partner to steer. I will completely fall to his overbearing presence over me or his fervoured kisses on my lips, breasts or over my body. One stare from him and I melt under him.
But more than anything, I think, is the pain. It gets me off so well. Even the hint of it will get my sex yearning for him. The everyday light spanks he gives me at any given moment when we are alone. Sometimes when we are not. The other day for instance, going upstairs, him following behind he grabs my arse, misogynistically and deliberately and I jump in surprise and turn round to him in mock-disdain. Then there are the spanks he delivers in the bedroom. Deep and meaningful and carefully aimed. I feel myself getting wetter after each sting of his hand. Then there’s the tasseled whip or something wooden from the kitchen. Even writing about it and my toes are wiggling and I feel warmer. Hair-pulling, biting - more-so lately - everything I love about being submissive is linked to pain. Twisting against the cuffs/scarves/ties – I love that burn on my wrists or ankles.
Should this be so good though? Yes, he is always careful with me. He will never go too far and I let him know if things aren’t right. Although he at times will purposefully ignore my pleadings for him to stop when his form of torture is him fingering or licking me to distraction. He aims for me to pass out one day. I am not so sure.
Dominant
Not as often as I would like to be, when I am Mistress of all I survey – namely, Mister, the hold over him is strong. I use restraints to help things along. I’m a little thing really, and it aids for the menacing malevolent streak that I go for. Cruel, yet caring. Usually it involves alternating between giving Mister pleasure and pain in equal doses. A massage with spanks by various implements. Going down of him, easing him to the edge of his limits then backing down. Teasing, tortuously. Scratches. Although not as deeply as I would like – Mister isn’t keen on the idea of breaking the skin. Fair shout, really. The ice and wax games.
I feel myself pulled in by it. Drawn to him all the more because of what he is allowing me to do to him. The level of trust he gives me. It’s dangerously hypnotic.
We go down the non-ouchy route of domming. A remote control buzzy thing that Mister would be in charge of. But that was early on in our relationship. Recently, the body paint and marking him with that. I enjoyed that, fulfilling a fantasy of mine. The paint wasn’t that great unfortunately and we’ve not had another session yet. I need to find something that is the right consistency of fluid with a good colour (and possibly edible). We try things out, but if they don’t work first time, it can be months or in the buzzy thing’s case, a few years before we have another attempt. We stick to the same routine. Bondage. Spanking. The notion of ‘too much pleasure’ that he loves to exert over me. But something isn’t right. I seem to be itching for something else. Maybe it’s because it has become a little too regimented. Too predictable. I want to try more things.
So lately we have been. I bought the anal toy to explore and I’m overcoming my big mental block over that area. Mister is keen to test the waters with it on me, which is great. But I want to try something new for my dominant repertoire. Thing is, I’m not quite sure what. I’m stumped. I need inspiration. Something other than simply tying him up and using pain as the main controlling force over him. I want to get into the ‘mind-fuck’ way of thinking. Mess with his head. Toy with him. Once or twice I’ve set things up to make his mind whir with the possible things I may or may not do to him. I need to be more consistent.
I guess this is partly a shout out to fellow-minded ladies to find out what you do to you significant others and also a call out to any submissives to discover what your partners do to you that really ticks all the boxes.
I need help.
Understatement of the year.
